Thursday, December 13, 2007

I guarantee the Vikes will win the Super Bowl...

OK, I'm just kidding, but what is to stop me from making such an outlandish statement? Is that a level of crazy different from Jon Kitna's level after he "guaranteed" 10 wins for the Lions? Is it more improbable than Anthony Smith guaranteed a win over the Patriots?

I don't think so, and really it is time for the empty guarantees to stop. Here are just a few of the guarantees I was able to find...

Jon Kitna - pre-season guarantee that the Lions would win 10 games.

While at the time this one seemed the craziest (c'mon it's the LIONS), when they were sitting at 6-2 it seemed like it was possible. But then the Lions remembered that they are the Lions and the recent 5 game losing streak brought this one back to reality. The best part is, Kitna still hasn't given up the dream of 10 wins...

"We can still reach it," Kitna said Wednesday. "Once that's eliminated and we can't, we'll be disappointed."
I'll help him with the math.
  • The Lions' current record is 6-7, that's 6 wins.
  • The NFL schedule is 16 games (3 remaining)
  • If the Lions win all 3 remaining games they'll have 9 wins
  • 6 + 3 = 10 9
Well I guess a playoff win could give them 10, but since the are a game out and have lost tie-breakers with 2 other teams they are currently tied with that seems unlikely. Oh the Lions have won only one playoff game in the last 50 years. Most importantly, would that really count? I don't think Kitna qualified his prediction as "I think we'll go 9-7 then win a wild card road game for 10 wins." No. I guess 10 wins is 10 wins, and if the Lions won a playoff game the city would likely riot, but enough is enough.

Anthony Smith (being laughed at on right) - guaranteed the Steelers would beat the 12-0 (now 13-0) Patriots

Why on earth would you do this to yourself and your team, Mr. Smith? First of all, nobody knows who you are so I guess if your intent was to become a household name - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Unfortunately for you around most households your name would be mentioned in a sentence like this..."ya that Smith guy for Pittsburgh? What an idiot (or douche, or retard)!"

The best part of his "guarantee" was how the Patriots burned Smith for the first two touchdowns of the game and 3 overall. I'm not a huge Patriots fan, but that was awesome. (for the record I thought Brady then running to jaw with Smith was beneath him and classless but whatever). Was that M-V-P they were chanting at Foxboro in the 4th quarter? No, that was "Gaur-an-Tee" after Brady threw for just about 400 yards and 4 TDs.

Randy McMichael - guaranteed his 0-7 Rams would beat the Browns

I wonder why nobody heard of this one? Could it be that nobody cares about an 0-7 team? Could it be that it was blown off as just another dumb football player talking out of his butt-pads?

Of course the Browns won and the world moved on (so will I).

I'm sure there have been a few more of these guarantees during the 2007 season but seriously isn't enough enough? When will these guys give it up. Guaranteeing a win is just plain stupid, selfish and stupid.

Here are 4 elements of guarantees that are the most bothersome...

It is NOT a show of confidence. It is foolishness. If you are confident in your and your team's abilities why do you need to put your self out ahead of the team and put them on the defensive? Why is it necessary to speak for your team on this issue? And why does the media need to know?
"I come out every game to win. In this league, if you walk into an arena planning to lose, you're not a guy anyone will want to play with."
You can give this quote to anybody who jumps on the guarantee bus, but this one belongs to Anthony Smith (if you say "who?" nobody blames you). But it is so misguided. Coming out every game to win is one thing, telling the world that you think you'll win is another.

Don't qualify the guarantee. The common PR spin now is that after you make the guarantee and it catches fire then you have to qualify it. It now becomes "IF" we play our game we will win. Or "IF" we don't make mistakes we will win. Now you are stupid and a pussy. Why not just say I guarantee we will win IF we score more points than they do.

PLEASE back it up! So rule #1 is don't do it, but if you are going to do it then you better be prepared to back it up. I know you can't control your entire team, but you better hold up your end of the bargain. Anthony, if you are going to make a guarantee don't personally get burned for 3 TDs in the first half. Jon, if you are going to guarantee 10 wins don't throw more INTs than TDs in your 5 game losing streak.

If you have to guarantee, you are probably going to lose. When was the last time a favored team guaranteed a win? If you have to come out to tell the world you "are going to win." Then a little light should go on that tells you your team sucks. Maybe it is because winning teams let their play do the talking.

In the end it is pointless, especially in football. But these guarantees are becoming the chic thing to do in the NFL. As I've already state enough is enough, it is annoying and comical. Anthony Smith went from a nobody to the butt of jokes. Jon Kitna went from a mediocre QB to, well still a mediocre QB who is also the butt of jokes.

I guarantee that the guarantees are who we thought they were!

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